Here we are starting our second full week of Lent, or the week following the third Sunday of Lent. I am not sure what I expected this year upon entering the Lenten season but at this point, I would have to say it has been scattered, more specifically, all over the place.  I am now in the process of assessing why it is, or at least seems, to be this way.

My first thought was that I should be more in touch with the spiritual (meditation, praying and reflecting) rather than the functional (fasting, giving up something). I had every intention of going to daily Mass.  I saw myself coming out on the other side of Lent prepared to enter the Passion of Christ more fully and deeper in faith, having surrendered all of myself to Him.  Yeah, not so much.

I started to think that this Lent was going in the same direction as the last several Lents have gone, a lot of wishing, a lot of desire, a lot of hope but not much depth.  Once again, I was brought to my knees, wondering where it all is going – or went.  I spend so much time helping others navigate through Lent as a Spiritual Director, how is it that I can’t seem to get it together for myself.  Then the answer was given to me in yet another Spiritual Direction.

The Directee was expressing her frustration at not being able to follow through on her Lenten goals.  As she was telling me all that she had hoped to do during this Lent, I became aware of a pattern that sounded all too familiar.  As she was talking, I heard the word “I” used repeatedly;  “I” wanted to fast from chocolate, “I” wanted to fast from alcohol.  Everything that she wanted to do began with the word “I.”  In and of itself, that isn’t all bad that she wanted to do all these things as her intentions were good.  So, what happened?

When she finished telling me her story, she asked, “what went wrong?”  It was staring me right in the face.  I asked her, “what is it that God wanted you to do during this Lent?”  She did not mention, at any time during her story, that she asked for guidance from the Holy Spirit as to what might be the best Lenten action to take.  She was in control, or at least thought she was, of everything that she wanted to do during these weeks of Lent and was frustrated that she didn’t follow through with it.  This was my moment of reckoning; I was guilty of doing the same thing.  “I” was going to make it happen according to what “I” thought was necessary for me to enter fully into this Lenten season.

Reflecting on my folly, I felt humbled by Jesus words from Matthew’s Gospel Chapter 23:3; “Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example.  For they preach but they do not practice.”  I was good at telling but not so good at practicing what I know to be true from another saying of Jesus; “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible” (MT 19:26).

What I really was hoping for going into this Lenten season was for God to help me with my humility.  I wanted to be reminded of my insignificance when it came to helping others on their Spiritual journeys.  That all the important and necessary actions that need to happen come from God and not myself.  I lost sight of the prayer that I say every morning to start my day; “I pray Lord that it is your Kingdom that I try to help you build, and not my own.”  This is why I, and many others fail to follow through on our Spiritual goals.  Again, even though my goals in and of themselves are good on the surface, they lacked spiritual depth and therefore were easy to dismiss.  I rationalized that something else might be better or that this wasn’t really what I needed to do so it was easy to give up on it.  I did not surrender myself to God.  I did not ask the Holy Spirit to inform me, to give me the Graces I would need in order that my life would be spiritually changed, not just for this Lent but going forward for the rest of my life here on earth.

Not all was lost, God managed to humble me by my own actions.  I was made aware of my insignificance, yet, also of my own importance.  God wants me, all of me.  He brought me, and all of you as well, into this world so that we might be with Him eternally in heaven when we are finished being formed in this world. It is for this reason that we are given spiritual moments like Lent to remind us of what is important.  It is God directed and driven, I just need to listen and do.