“It is not what you give up, but it is who you become.”  The Lenten theme from  Matthew Kelly at the Dynamic Catholic.

I made this theme the center of my focus for Lent this year.  Instead of simply giving something up, I tried to focus on Jesus words to “deny self.”  In the past, for example, if I was going to give up eating chocolate, I just wouldn’t buy any or have it in the house.  Then I didn’t have to worry about being tempted.  That seemed a little artificial to me.  I was planning on writing an article for our blog “Living The Christian Experience” about what it would mean to deny myself.  Then I read this reflection from Deacon Terry Snell and realized that it is the essence of what I committed myself to during Lent.   I believe that Deacon Terry’s article says it best and with his permission, I post it here for you.  I pray that Deacon Terry’s reflection will help us all to enter the celebration of Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday with more purpose in order that we become the person whom Jesus means us to be.

“I have no idea exactly what the upcoming year will look like, or how far the Holy Spirit will take it.” This was a statement in one of the closing paragraphs of my POF (Post Ordination Formation) reflection last year. When I wrote this, the Covid pandemic was just beginning, and I truly had no idea of what was ahead. Interestingly, during a time when we were being asked to shelter in place and to quarantine from the outside world, I believed God was calling me to “Go out,” to search for Him beyond the safety of not only my own home, but also the safety of my own heart.

During the previous year, I had begun to experience dryness in my spiritual life, specifically in my prayer. At a time when I expected great strides, my conscious connection with the Holy Spirit felt as though it was fading. I felt as though the unspoken conversations between the Holy Spirit and my heart had dried up and ceased. But had they really stopped or was the Holy Spirit leading me in a direction I was not listening to, or subconsciously did not want to go? Through collaboration with my Spiritual director, I now believe Jesus’ calling me to “Go out” in search of Him in others, is actually a call to get out of my head and allow my heart to be truly present to others; the people I minster to, the people I work with, the people I meet on the street, and especially to those I already love; my family. Maybe this call is not so much the going out from the safety of social distancing, as much as it is going out from myself. Getting out of the way.

In order for me to “Go out,” I first have to get out of my own head and out of my own heart, to be able to truly walk side by side with others, and share their journey with them. During formation, I experienced tremendous inner healing through the JPII Healing Center, and I know that inner healing is like an onion, you have to just keep peeling back the layers. I now recognize what was still blocking me from truly being present to others.

The freeze of 2021 was truly a blessing in disguise for me. My home was blessed, and my family did not suffer a power outage or a water outage. My heart ached for those who did suffer and my wife and I offered our home to many who were without, but the general consensus seemed to be that nobody really wanted to venture out on the ice and so no one came. What this did for me, was allow me the time I needed to just be present to my family without being consumed within the many other roles that I am responsible to fulfill. It allowed me to let my guard down, so to speak, and I was gifted with the realization of how often I am not truly present in the company of others.

As I spent this time in unexpected and uncontrollable solitude with those I love the most, I was able to truly relax and in the days of being alone with my family experiencing moments of simple togetherness, memories of my own childhood began to surface, giving me an opportunity to reflect and explore, allowing the Holy Spirit to open a door and identify hidden wounds that had not yet been healed. Wounds of rejection and abandonment that were buried deep, and yet re-surfaced daily in an unconscious need to make sure I didn’t fail, I didn’t mess up, or I didn’t make any mistakes so that I could gain the acceptance and approval of others. This unconscious need continuously kept my mind busy and often blocked my heart, not allowing me to be truly consciously present to those I encounter.

I believe the pandemic played its role in all of this as well. Here is Jesus calling me to “Go out” in a time that I often could not physically be present to those in need. If I was able to be present, I was hidden behind a mask, standing at a distance “safely guarded,” or secluded in front of my laptop during a Zoom session. Not genuinely walking the journey with those who were suffering. And yet, the question arises, hidden behind my own childhood wounds, wasn’t that what I was really doing all along prior to the pandemic?

A personal friend named George was eating dinner with his family one evening. One of his teenage daughters was telling a joke, when suddenly, George dropped his head down as if he had fallen asleep. George’s wife and two teenage daughters thought he was responding to the joke by non-verbally saying that it was so boring he fell asleep. A few moments later they noticed that he was drooling and that his skin was turning blue. While eating dinner with his beloved family, which was a daily ritual that he cherished, George had a massive heart attack and stopped breathing. George was in a coma and on a ventilator for almost a week after that when the family had to make the decision to let George go and take him off the ventilator.

When George was in the hospital George’s wife Sylvia called and asked if I would come to the hospital and pray with them. With George’s family, I was more relaxed than what I normally am in ministry, because I know them well and was very comfortable being around them. That’s how George was; when you met him for the very first time it was as if you had known him all your life. There was never a barrier between his heart and yours. The comment I heard repeated over and over again at George’s funeral was that he was always truly present. He wore his heart on his sleeve with every living soul he encountered. His daughters said that whenever they walked into a room where their father was, he immediately stopped what he was doing and acknowledged their presence with intimate fatherly love.

When I was at the hospital with George’s family, I remember being extremely conscious about what I was praying, how I was praying, and what I was going to say to offer them hope and consolation. Even with this dear friend, I was stuck in my head. My heart was breaking along with George’s family, but my head was still trying to control the experience, not allowing the Holy Spirit to flow from my heart to theirs. How interesting it is, that the answer lay right in front of me. As I was ministering to George’s family, in a way, George was ministering to me. Through his life, I was given an example of what I now believe God has been calling me to this past year.

For George’s family, I was physically present and prayed at the hospital before he passed. I met with them for the funeral liturgy planning. I presided at the vigil/rosary. I assisted at the funeral mass and I presided at the interment. I was physically present as much as I could possibly be and there were heartfelt connections. However, through this and other experiences I now realize there is a much deeper level of connecting, heart to heart. I now believe this “Going out” that God has been calling me to is literally getting out of my head, getting out of the way and simply trusting in my formation and trusting that the Holy Spirit will give me what I need in the moment to be able to share His love and consolation while walking the journey, heart to heart, with all those I encounter.

“…Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him…” (Mt. 14:29-31)