I will restore you to health; of your wounds I will heal you, says the Lord.    Jeremiah 30:17

Back in 2003 I was diagnosed with a condition called Tracheal Stenosis which is scarring in the airway that causes the airway (trachea) to narrow because of excess scar tissue. This leads to shortness of breath and difficulty breathing. I battled this condition for five plus years with procedures every six to nine months. The first year was the most difficult. There were numerous trips to the emergency room and twice I quit breathing and had Code Blue called to restore my breathing. All during this time I was repeatedly told there was a very good possibility I would have to have a permanent tracheotomy. Needless to say, this frightened me.

The reason I am telling you all this is because this experience deepened my faith. I was drawn much closer to God. It was a actually a blessing. Nothing I was doing seemed to help. God, working through my doctor and all the prayers of my family and community, was the only one who could help. I began to understand in a very real way that I relied on God for every breath I took. About the time I was really running out of options, my doctor learned of a procedure that was very new and not being done anywhere else in Texas. It worked like a charm! Finally, something was really helping. I had my miracle that I had been praying for for so long. The doctor was able to clear my airway of all of the scarring. I could take wonderful deep breaths. I was cured! Or so it seemed…

Earlier this month, after over six years of  “being healed,” I had to admit that I was beginning to have difficulty breathing again. Although it was not evident to most people, my sweet husband could tell and suggested I call the doctor for a check-up. Within 10 days of my initial call to the doctor’s office, I was in surgery to have the scarring removed again. This procedure requires full anesthesia and at least one night in ICU to monitor my breathing. It’s not a lot of fun and I just didn’t want to have to do that again. I was upset and I have to admit, scared and just a little angry. These feelings surprised me. After all, I had been through this before and learned to find peace with it. I had found the Holy Spirit who gave me strength. But this time seemed different. Where was God? Why did He let this happen again?

Originally the surgery was scheduled only four days after seeing the doctor, but then it got cancelled because of an emergency only hours before it was to start. This upset me even more. But God in His infinite wisdom knew I wasn’t ready. I had forgotten to trust, to obey, to unite my will with God’s will. I was trying to be strong on my own. That just doesn’t work. Have you ever fought for something, prayed for something so hard, then had your prayers seemingly not answered? Have you ever found yourself just a little upset with God, thinking He’s just not listening? That’s what I was doing.

The surgery got re-scheduled and that gave me time to have Fr. Sang anoint me on the Sunday before my procedure. I felt the peace of the Holy Spirit descend on me. I finally let go and opened my heart to God. I had been remembering only the scary bad things that had happened before. I forgot about the incredible peace God had filled me with whenever I was scared. I let my pride and self-sufficiency take the place of humility and reliance on God alone. This was another blessing from God. A reminder that He is always there and will take care of me—maybe not my way, but His way, which is always the best way. God does answer my prayers. I came through my latest surgery with no complications and am once again taking wonderful, deep breaths. God is good, all the time.

I’ve learned that these challenges, or what we would call setbacks, are actually blessings if we let ourselves remain open to God and His will. He knows what we need better than we do. Without this health problem, I would not have learned to rely solely on God and the Holy Spirit for strength. Through this I’ve learned to trust more, to remain patient and calm—things that are not normally my personality. I’ve grown so much in my relationship with the Lord. But sometimes I forget and begin to slide back to my old ways, hence I needed a little reminder.

The quote at the beginning from Jeremiah “of your wounds I will heal you” does not mean just my physical wounds. It is more important to be healed of my wounds of my own pride and self-sufficiency. These harm my soul more than any physical ailment ever can. God is all I need. I need to surrender and rely on Him for everything. I need to trust and be thankful because He provides for me in ways I could never do on my own.

One of my favorite songs is by David Kauffman, You Cannot Go Below My Resting Arms. Some of lyrics are:

You cannot go below my resting arms
No matter how fast or far you fall.
No matter how lost you have become,
My embrace is wider than the sun.

I pray, Lord, please help me to remember to trust that you are always there to hold me and keep me safe. Embrace me with Your love as it is all I ever need. You fill my soul with gratitude and peace. Jesus, Son of the living God, I trust in you. Amen.