A couple of days ago I heard a statement that I have heard many times before, “be true to yourself.”   The person went on to say that in order to be true to ourselves we had to really know who we are. I was about to dismiss the whole thing except for these nagging questions that kept repeating themselves in my head; “are you true to yourself?  Do you really know who you are?”  I concluded that it might be in my best interest to pursue looking into how well I did know myself.  I needed to be sure that what I did believe wasn’t just “fake news.”

For a long time I have been involved with a retreat called the Christian Experience weekend (CEW). It begins on Friday night with a talk on self-knowledge.  It seems like it should be a simple thing to do, to “know” ones “self”.  In fact, who else could, or should, know me better than myself?  I started listing all of the things I felt identified me as to who I am.  Upon finishing the list, I took a long look at what I had come up with and at first I was rather pleased.  Then I took a second look.

Most, if not all, of the list was composed of external images and just to name a few: I was a husband, a father, a brother, a soldier, golfer, teacher a guitar player etc.  I realized upon further examination that these were occupations and functions that I performed  and not really the essence of who I was.  Not that who we are externally isn’t important.  I thought of another saying that I once read in a self-help book:  “everyone who knows me is the expert of who I am on the outside while I am the expert of who I am on the inside, together we complete me.”  Looking at the list, I have a feeling that you all know me far more than I know myself.  Don’t get me wrong, these external features are a part of who I am, but they aren’t the substance of who I am.

Webster’s New College Dictionary (yes, I actually used a hard copy of the book) defines self as: 1, the total, essential, or particular being of a person. 2, the essential qualities distinguishing one individual from another. 3, Conscious awareness of one’s self.  It defined self-knowledge as awareness of one’s own nature, abilities and limitations. That certainly should have cleared everything up –  well no, not really.

It is important to know who we are inside as well as out in order to live life in harmony with one’s self, to find contentment and peace.  So that we don’t wind up doing something just because it is convenient or handed to us.  My dad worked in construction and when I along with my three brothers reached the age of 16, we were expected to go to work for him in the summer when we weren’t going to school.  I believe that my dad would have been happy if all of his sons would have continued to work for him and eventually take over the business.  While two of my brothers were very good at it – a lot more than I was – only one really had the desire to make it his life’s work.  This isn’t who I was on the inside.  It was great to have the experience and gain the knowledge and satisfaction of building something but it didn’t excite me, I wasn’t drawn to it like my younger brother was.  For me to continue to working construction would have been a life of conflict and torment.

In another example, upon graduation from College I taught in the local high school for 5 years.  Being a teacher wasn’t what I had in mind for myself when I went to college but it is what I would up with when I finished college.  I did enjoy the idea of teaching but around year 4 I was feeling unsettled, anxious and discontented.   I made the decision to quit after that year but was convinced to give it another year.  I did a lot of soul searching during that 5^th year because I knew I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing.  When asked why, I came up with a number of possible reasons such as I was tired of fighting with athletic coaches over space – the stage for theater productions was at one end of the gym.  I was tired of dealing with students that really didn’t want to be there, I just didn’t like teaching anymore.  However, when I sat down and really began to examine what it was that I was feeling, what it was that didn’t allow me to enjoy teaching, my answer took me a little by surprised.  I found out something that I did not know about myself.  As I worked through it, I first discovered that I do not like to be confined or boxed in.  I do not like rigidity. In other words, the real answer was that I did not like not having control over my time.  That discovery would shape how I would continue moving forward in my life’s journey.

Who am I?  I consider myself to be an intellectual, although not super intelligent.  I want (maybe even need) things to be orderly – but not rigid. I don’t want someone else to control my time.  I like to go deep into a subject matter to get to the bottom of what is being said, even if I don’t always understand it.  I am not a master at anything but I am able to do many things.  My wife says I am a generalist, I like that concept.  I am emotional and affectionate although I do not always show it, part of the conflict of my experience of growing up where it was seldom if ever displayed.  I have a brother-in-law who claims that we are either a people person or a numbers person – I am not a numbers person.  I am very social, and I like being around people, maybe sometimes to a fault.

It is also very important to know who we are inside spiritually.  I see one of the unspoken messages of Jesus to his apostles to be “come and know me.”  Jesus didn’t want them to just know about him, His many miracles and his intense passionate ability to proclaim the Kingdom of God.  He wanted them to know Him from the depth of their souls, where he came from and what He was really about.

My faith is much deeper today than it was in my younger days but this only after I realized that I needed to take ownership of what it was that I believed. My faith needed to be much deeper than just surface chatter.  Not what the world wanted me to believe, the “fake news,” but what God wants me to believe. This journey could only begin after I looked deep down inside of me and honestly admitted that I was completely ignorant of Scripture and the doctrinal teachings of my Catholic faith St. Jerome said “ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Jesus” and subsequently ignorance of God.  I picked up the bible some 35 years ago and read it from cover to cover for the first time.  I have been studying it every day, week, month and year ever since.  The amazing thing is that God continues to teach me something new every day.

I believe that all of creation came from God whether it began with a big bang or a silent breath.  I believe that I have been put here for a higher purpose and it isn’t important whether I know what that is or not.  It is only important that God knows and that I try to pay attention so as not to miss it when it comes my way.  I know that I am not perfect, that I have sinned and will probably sin again.  I have come to realize that this is a blessing because I have faith that God wants to and does forgive me and by His Grace will be made stronger, just as he said to Peter: “Simon, Simon, behold Satan has demanded to sift all of you like wheat, but I have prayed that your own faith may not fail; and once you have turned back, you must strengthen your brothers.” (LK 22:31-32)

Today is a good day to close the door to the outside and begin to look deeply within myself; for what I know and what I  don’t know, what I believe and don’t believe, what I have faith in and what I don’t.  In John 9:41 Jesus says (paraphrasing) “if you are truly blind (ignorant) you would have no sin, but you say you see (are not ignorant) and so your sin remains.”  Chosing ignorance, because it is the easy way out, will not get you to where you want to go.  “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.” MT 7:21