A friend of mine passed recently.

His physical shell that thing we call the human body slowly ceased to function and finally died, but that other thing, that spiritual thing we call the soul, the thing that gives motion to the body, that thing that houses all of our memories, our love, our ability to think and create and communicate, that thing that contains our unique quirks, expressions and personality—that thing that possesses our total essence, is alive and well, and has passed from this world to that final destination we know as heaven. My friend has completed his journey begun at conception—he has succeeded in our one and only purpose for existing in the first place, to get to heaven. He is now happier than he has ever been. He is one in God. God’s very own life now flows through him with nothing to impede it, not this crazy, sinful world or even his own slowly deteriorating physical body. As the saints might say, he has at last attained The Fulfillment of All Desire.

His passing didn’t come as a surprise, he had been receiving hospice care for a few weeks. And even before that, he had been having serious medical issues for months that had sent him to the hospital more than once and had finally required him to enter a facility that could offer him around the clock care that his wife was no longer able to provide in their home.

I had met him through a retreat sponsored by our church about ten years ago and would see him around at different church activities. But we were really only acquaintances. Then one Tuesday night about nine years ago, as my wife and I were headed to our car after attending a bible study class, we ran into him in the parking lot and ended up talking for a half hour or so. We parted no longer just acquaintances, but as friends. Only two nights later, my new friend suffered a massive stroke. I don’t remember the name of it, but it is the kind you never want to have. They didn’t know if he would live.

But live he did. 

His left side no longer operated the way it had before. He couldn’t see out of his left eye nor hear out of his left ear. His left arm, hand, leg and foot were not much better.

He stayed in hospitals and other facilities where he received care and all sorts of therapies for months. And when he finally returned home, he was different—but he was also the same. He was different because his body and some parts of his brain no longer worked liked they used to. He could walk and talk and interact and still take part in most everything. But things were more difficult and quite a bit slower, and he could no longer do some things on his own that he did before and I’m sure there were other things he could no longer do on his own that I’m not aware of. But he wanted to continue to live his life as if nothing were different. He was determined to not let these new difficulties hold him back. So his wife, who had never left his side day or night all that time in the hospital and later at other care facilities gave up her life and the things she had rather do and instead devoted it to providing him what he needed and desired.

I didn’t really know my friend’s wife very well. Besides appearing a little shy and introverted, she didn’t seem to share a lot of the same interests as her husband so I didn’t see her very often. But now, you saw her everywhere, because he wanted to be everywhere. And because he knew everyone, she had to meet and interact with everyone. Her life seemed to have changed radically, almost overnight. It had to be a really difficult and challenging experience for her. First to give up your life for someone else and now having to do all these things she’d probably rather not do at all.

Some of us believe God is up there, somewhere, minding his own business, leaving us on our own and just being an uninvolved observer while waiting to see how his creation ends up. Others believe that we are surrounded by God and he is totally involved and making things happen all the time to move things towards his ending. I subscribe to the latter group. I believe God is working all the time in my life and others as well, to make his things happen. I believe especially that he puts people in our lives and us in others lives for purposes we might never understand or even see, but for sure will somehow bring all of us closer to him and fulfill his purposes. 

I call these people who God places in my life “God Friends”. (I know, not real creative). And this friend and his wife I’m talking about are definitely “God Friends”. I think God puts these friends in our lives to accompany and somehow assist us on our spiritual journey. If you really try, you can probably tell the difference in a God friend  and I guess what we would call a regular friend or even a best friend. When you’re with a God Friend, there is a bond, a closeness, an intimacy that is not the same as when we’re with others. It’s way down deep. If you don’t think about it, you’ll probably never even recognize it. But you’ll notice there is something different. You love being with them even when you’re not really doing anything. When you’re with them and it’s time to go your separate ways, you don’t really want to. You don’t fear or even hesitate at being honest and open with them. You let your shields down and allow them to know the real you. You might not even have much in common with them or share many interests, but that doesn’t matter. And if you were to think about it, often times your God friend is not someone you would have chosen to be friends with to start with—maybe just not your kind of people. I am fortunate in that I also have other God friends. I believe God wants the same for all of us, but as the saints say, many of us are sleep walking through life and are not paying attention to what is really going on—we insist on being in charge, directing our own lives and choosing our own friends.

These God friends of mine have suffered much over the past nine years. And yet, the only time I have witnessed them being upset was when he found out he would never be able to drive again. I’m sure their private lives were probably different at times. No doubt they have been frustrated with their situation and mad at each other for who knows what. I’m sure they asked God for a miracle or two or three, that they didn’t receive. I’m sure they cried out to God and asked God why? I’m sure they have begged God for the strength to just go on one more day. But somewhere on their journey, you can tell, they gave up trying to do it their way and surrendered their will to God and not just accepted what had happened to them, but embraced it, and thanked God for all that they had been given and all that they still had. They let go of all they had lost and the sadness and disappointment and maybe even the bitterness that accompanied it and let God take the lead.

Most of us have a hard time with suffering. We can’t understand it and we certainly don’t want it. We have a difficult if not impossible time finding any good in it. We won’t allow ourselves to believe that God would send it or even allow it. But what if my friends had never suffered? Or what if they had asked God to take it all away, and he had? Or what if either had suffered and had not handled it well? What if instead of embracing it with love and humility, they had fought and resisted it and made themselves, the other and all of those around them miserable?

When I think of these two God friends, I think about how they had such a profound effect on my life, just by how they lived their lives. I think about how my friend didn’t let his difficulties and challenges change him. He still carried on as before as best he could. We still went to breakfast on Wednesday mornings. He was still the nice, intelligent, loving, funny, clever and kind person he was before. I learned from watching and spending time with him what a real Christian looks like. Because of how he lived his life, my life was changed—for the better. And when I think about his wife and how she gave up her life so that she could help him better live his, I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed by how I can become so upset when I have to give up even small things because someone else requires my time or causes me to change my plans. And she makes me think about how Jesus didn’t get to do what he probably had rather done in life because he gave it all up for you and me instead. Why are we so afraid to let go and surrender everything to God? To let him call the shots? We know Jesus’ suffering still changes people. Do we not believe he can do the same with ours?

I think about my wife and others whose lives were affected as well by these two friends and how they dealt with their suffering. And I think about the many, many doctors and nurses and aids and therapists and family and friends and neighbors who were touched and almost certainly changed by these two God Friends. How we all would have missed out on this experience of God working in our world and our lives, had they not suffered and had they not done it so well. 

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God,* who are called according to his purpose”.        Romans 8:28

Suffering, Adversity, Challenges, Crosses, call it what we will, our first inclination is to beg God to to take them away. We ask God that his will would be done throughout our world every time we say the Lord’s Prayer, but maybe we’re really just asking him to do it in other people and not ourselves because we all know that we’re good just the way we are. If we really want God’s will to be done in the world, we must start with us and if we really want to have God Friends or to be a God Friend to someone else, we must first give God permission to work in us and to change us, we must first risk completely letting go and surrendering all of our control and all of our plans for our future to him. He won’t force himself on us. He won’t even try until we ask him. 

Maybe a Missionary of Charity Sister says it best.

“In the early months of 1995, a young Missionary of Charity Sister contracted cerebral meningitis in Egypt. The immediate effect of this traumatic illness was to cause blindness. But in the first days of the sickness, when the Sister had been moved to their Cairo convent and was receiving treatment, it was not known yet whether the blindness was permanent or temporary effect. The Sister caring for the blinded Sister proposed that the two should pray a novena together for the recovery of the Sister’s eyesight. The Sister suggesting the novena was confident that God would hear the prayer, and so they must try. The Sister who had been blinded however, did not answer right away and then responded that she would not pray this novena, that the other Sister could do so, but she would not. She said that when she had taken her final solemn vows in the congregation the previous May in Calcutta she had told Jesus on that day that he must feel free to do all he wanted with her, that there were no limits in what he could ask of her. And now I will not take that prayer back. I’m sorry, but I cannot pray this novena”. 

This Sister never recovered her sight.

Contemplative Enigmas – Fr. Donald Haggerty